To: whomever stole my credit card number

Just when things are rolling along nicely, something like this pops up on the answering maching: "This is Capitol One, due to the theft of your credit card number, we've de-activated the card. Please call 800-xxx-xxxx for more information.

This has happened before, and before I dial, I already know that a week's worth of headaches are about to begin. First, I have to deal with Capitol One, which takes forever, and ultimately ends up with me screaming into the phone. Second, we use our card to pay some monthly recurring bills, which are all due this week. This will take a lot more time to clear up.

I was not disappointed with my call to Capitol One. After entering my 16 digit card number to the automated response machine, I was put on hold. Light Jazz, nothing I recognized. 3 minutes drift by, then a live person is on the phone. They need my 16 digit card number. Didn't I just enter it to get this far? I comply.

Now they need the last 4 digits of my social security number. Would someone who stole a credit card call in as me? To do what? I comply.

Now I'm told that my card has been de-activated because of a "Mass-comp." A large group of card numbers were reported stolen from some retailer, mine among them. I'll be issued a new card in 7 to 10 days. What do I do in the meantime? "Please Hold."

Adult contemporary music, Phil Collins "One More Night," interupted every 30 seconds with "Your call is important to us, please stay on the line for the next available operator." Like I'm going to hang up.

New person on the phone: "May I have your 16 digit card number please?" How would I get two levels deep in this phone chain without giving it to you twice already? "I need to verify it's you." And they wonder why I get angry? I comply. "You're card has been cancelled." Right, you did that. "Please hold."

Classical. I'm sure that they think it helps calm anyone who actually stays on the line this long. 19 minutes so far. This time no one assures me that my call is important.

New person on the phone: "Because your card has been cancelled, I need to verify your identity with some questions from your credit report." I love games.

First, I'm given 4 car makes, one of them is mine, the others aren't. I nail this one. Next, yes, I suppose the car could have been a lucky guess, but would a credit card thief really be on the phone this long (26 minutes,) and to do what?

Question 2; I'm given 4 street names, none are my current address, but one is from my past. I get this one right, too. Convinced that they know it's me, I'm ready to move on to finding out who compromised my card number, and how do I get a new one faster. But NO, there are still TWO MORE QUESTIONS!

I have to pick my bank out of a list, then I have to tell them the range of my monthly mortgage payment. I get both right, and on the last, I give her the exact amount of the mortgage. She's not impressed. Grudgingly, she asks "What can I do for you today?"

I think I'm having a stroke. I've been on the line for 30 minutes, talking to 3 people (so far) and they still don't know what I need?!? My needs are simple; Who compromised my card, how can I get a new one faster than 7 to 10 days. "I don't have the retailer name, just that our Theft department put a 'Mass-comp' on your card." She is willing to expidite a new card to me by week's end, usually a $16 UPS charge, but Capitol One will waive that. Hoo Hoo. I should have quit right here, but I wanted to know who lost my card number, so I can avoid doing business with them. "I can transfer you to Theft, please hold."

This time, "due to a large influx of calls (all the people in the Mass-comp,) all agents are busy, please wait for the same service they're giving Capitol One customers right now." Oh Boy!

I could continue on, but there's no point, really. I did go through 2 more operators, but never got any more information. Total time on the phone: 58 minutes. An hour out of my life wasted because some retailer got sloppy with my card number. I don't even know who it is so I can take my business elsewhere.

Along the way, one of the operators told me I should be "grateful that they cancelled the card and prevented any theft." I was too taken aback to mention that it has nothing to do with me, and all about covering Capitol One's butt.